[09 Dec 2009|10:42pm] emma_asian i can't even think right now. my mind is all fuzzy. i wish i had some fucking ambien or trazadone, or something. maybe i should take some benedryll. tonight is just one of those nights where..sleep will prove to be impossible. i hate when i get into my head too much. its retarded. i hate thinking about things and over-analyzing. all i want to do is just cry right now. what the fuck is wrong with me? today on t.v. a guy got a call that his grandmother was dead. i honestly burst into tears. i can't even begin to put on paper any types of emotions i feel regarding my dying gram. i really can't. i mean does this make me weak? unstable? what the fuck does this make me. besides the obvious, a human being. i wish i had gone to the bar with kyle, nik, em...etc. not healthy, not okay...but to get my mind off of it would really help. talked to matt on the phone. am i an irrational girlfriend? i don't know. i think i put my heart and soul into things. i hate being let down. i hate feeling unwanted. i wouldn't want to be smothered by any means. my boyfriend treats me beyond amazing. i think about things too much. if hes tired or wants to go to bed earlier than usual and cuts our phone call short...i feel like my heart wilts. this is pathetic. this entry is pathetic. jesse is going to rip on me for this. maybe my emotions are just all fucked up due to things going on in my life. will i end up pushing people away because my emotions sometimes lead me on a fucking rollercoaster. god...writing in this thing after so long about shit i would have written about when i was 18. maybe i'm unchangeable. you see, some people have the ability to say.."i'm sorry. i love you." and move on. or just move on period, from an issue that is. i on the other hand dwell. and think. and think some more. i can't just turn my sadness into happiness in an instant. i wish i could. bottom line. i know i'm stupid. i gotta stop being so stupid. 7 comments|leave a comment

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